I'm a softy

Those people that know me well, know how tenderhearted I am....boy am I. If I could change one thing about myself it would probably be that (and the 30 lbs I mentioned in an earlier post). But anyway, my tender heart will stop me in my tracks, cause me to take things way to seriously and worry way too much about what others think about me. I have worn myself down throughout the years though... and what would have caused me several days of hurt feelings I now have down to a minimum. I have more important things to do...so I try to dust myself off quickly and somewhat quietly and move on. My husband and I had a conversation the other day about me...he said "you will not change for anyone and you are so certain of who you are"...and I finished by saying "and I really hope you like me because if not my feelings will be hurt". Yep. That's me. Could you imagine being in my head? I was thinking okay so I just psychoanalyzed myself so what does it all mean and how do I make myself handle things better? When I am with the outside world I imagine it almost like a scene from an old Indiana Jones movie (theme song and all) throughout the day I'm dodging a cold stare here, hurtful words there and so on...you get the point. There are some days I feel.. well...like I didn't fare the ancient Egyptian boobie traps so well. One of my favorite things to say to my husband after a bad day is "I really don't like people" .....he usually laughs and says I know hon. My tender heart has weighed me down this week. People can be jerks and they can do some really jerky things and this week I have been dodging poison arrows and crocodiles (or alligators ?) all over the place. Hmmphhf. It hurts to get hurt!? I don't want to feel this way... and I know that I only feel this way because I'm allowing myself to feel this way but dang it, it's hard not to feel this way...when someone makes you feel this way. Grrrr.  And to top it all off God tells us to love one another....above all else...love. And forgiveness. We can't forget about forgiveness. So. Looks like I got some work to do. I'm working on the love and forgiveness part and God is revealing the good stuff that comes along with having this heart of mine...I care. I care deeply, and when you care deeply that is very strong motivation to get things done. So I'll keep trying and praying and showing a little bit of the love and forgiveness my heavenly Father shows me. This tender heart of mine is in his hands....because no matter what, I know he loves me...and he's the only one that matters.



 Ephesians 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

John 13:34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.  

Big faith...little bodies

Someone once asked me "how do you know God's really there?" I thought about it and I can honestly say until I was asked that question (I was well into adulthood by then) I had never really given it much thought. I just knew. I remember as a child swinging and with each forward push toward the sky I just knew he was there. The sun was warm on my face, I was humming a tune and I knew I was loved by something much bigger than I could understand. When someone finally told me his name it was like, oh okay, yeah I know who your talking about. I had no doubt. I can understand why someone may not believe. This world isn't pretty sometimes, neither are the people in it... and there are many questions without easy answers. By the grace of God I was raised in a healthy, loving family of believers. I got to see God's work in action at a young age. It's okay if people don't understand or believe what I believe...it will not change me. I won't push my beliefs on anyone. If you know me, you will know I'm a Christian...if you want to know more all you have to do is ask. You see I was almost looking for another word to use besides Christian,  it gets associated with such ugliness anymore, but no matter what some folks try to do to it... God's love isn't ugly and it is there for everyone. Getting back to when I was a child...I look back on it with such fondness...my relationship with God that is. We talked all the time...I read my Bible with ease and things just seemed so much simpler. I found my little devotional the other day and the notes I would jot down seem so full of wisdom for such a small child....I really was surprised because I don't think I could do half as well now. I have had some time to really spend with my children now that we are home together on summer break, and I have noticed something...they talk to God all the time too...just like I did as a child. They pray before they eat, they pray before bed, they pray when something is going wrong, and they pray when they are thankful. They are eager to learn about and communicate with him. The other night my youngest "Peanut" had a piece of glass stuck in her foot...we had been working on getting it out for quite awhile and needless to say she was crying very hard...it was awful. I noticed the other two of my children were no longer in the room with us and later that evening I asked where they had went, my daughter told me "Isaac came and got me and said let's go pray for her Helanea...so we did." This may seem unimportant to some but to me it's a major blessing. They are learning to go to God for even the littlest sliver. I cannot take credit for this...I am a poor example. I still go at problems on my own first and pray later. I don't know if it's because adult life just muddles everything up, or if we just get to big for our britches, but I do know that I would love to have my child-like relationship with God back. My children are teaching their earthly Mother lessons...and pleasing their heavenly Father.  They aren't thinking of pride, they aren't stressed, they aren't to busy, they are taking the first and most important step in any situation...communication with God. It all starts there. They have no barriers, their love for and trust in God is in it's most natural form. They know they are not in charge and their content with that.They are big Faith in little bodies :)  Mathew 18:3 "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn, and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven."

The important stuff...

I went for a bike ride with my family tonight. One of our favorite places to stop for a bit is downtown, right on the river. We usually get a drink and let the kids run around a bit...they love it because there is a big grassy hill they run up and down. I always watch them as they run, with my back leaning against the  boardwalk railing...but tonight I really watched. Holding my hand to shield my eyes from the setting sun I watched my beautiful children. Anna with her golden curls falling down all around her face, Isaac with his short breath and rosy cheeks, and Helanea with her sun kissed red hair and freckles. With the back lighting from the sun, and the mesh of green grass and blue sky as their canvas, they sure painted a beautiful picture. My babies. How blessed I am. God has graced me with these wonderful, kindhearted, silly, little people. How happy they were just to have a soft green space to run, and of course roll down a few times narrowly missing each other. We take so much for granted...I take so much for granted. I have a 20 yr old...I know how soon they take flight...but still I get caught up in the day to day and forget the important things. It doesn't take much...a second hand bike and a little time. The laughter...that infectious giggle of a small child...of your small child... can heal some many ills. These are times that will be forever etched in my mind. I still call upon the memories of my oldest...of his white blond, baby fine hair rising on top of his head as he ran downhill, of the baby blues he still flashes at me to this day. He'll always be that boy...no matter how old he gets. That's the thing about being a Mom...I get to make, and keep, all the little memories of these awesome individuals. I store them and value you them as my finest possessions. These children have influenced me far more than they will ever know...and I have to try to remember as they make these precious memories for me...I am doing the same for them.

The Roots: To eat or not to eat...

The Roots: To eat or not to eat...: So I've been having this little issue with about 30 lbs. I can't shake it...well I can shake it...but not in a good way. I have neve...

To eat or not to eat...

So I've been having this little issue with about 30 lbs. I can't shake it...well I can shake it...but not in a good way. I have never been over weight in my life, but since having the last 2 of my 4 children and giving up my lovely smoking habit, I'm stuck. I used to live on coffee and nicotine...not at all healthy but it keep my very thin none the less. I wouldn't say I'm healthy now either. Even though I have forced myself into healthier lifestyle I don't feel any better with the extra "curves". I have never been one to exercise. I have no problem ripping out a sub floor, painting, doing lawn work, fixing stuff, staying busy and active etc...exercise on purpose...not so much. I have always wanted to be a "runner" but I am the poster child for that saying "if you see me running you better run because it means something big and scary is chasing me". I think about that and even if the creepy clown carrying a chainsaw is chasing me, after a very short time, I would just have to stop him and negotiate or something. Can you give the chubby girl with weak ankles a break or something? Here's some chocolate. I don't know. I have no problem controlling what my family eats and I have made some really good changes. I haven't eaten red meat or pork in years...I don't like it. I have made strides in getting closer to becoming a complete vegetarian and my ultimate goal is to become a vegan. I believe that is the healthiest lifestyle. My problem is sweets...and carbs. I love big crusty bread and starchy soups and ice cream and chocolate and anything sweet and salty and snacky and I could go on. AND to top it off I think my metabolism is broken     : /....yeah I'm pretty sure it is...I can feel it rev up like an old Buick every morning but it only works until about breakfast...I think. *Sigh* it's hell getting old. All I can do is keep trying. For once in my life I wish I would just stick to a routine...get up, exercise and get on with it.. but no, I just am not a morning person...even my husband is afraid of me before coffee, and to try and squeeze it in somewhere after that is not eva.. gonna.. happen. I realize diets don't work...that it's needs to be a way of life...but it kinda makes me sad..I used to be able to down a full super sized big mac meal when I was younger (of course I wouldn't eat for 3 days after that) and I never gained an once. Those days are over. I got it. But this is so hard...People pat me on the back and say "you look great for having 4 kids!" which is just another way of saying ...your fat sweetie but at least you have an excuse :) I know, I know, people mean well.. but I guess I'm just a little crabby because I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I think I decided to write about this because maybe just maybe, by putting it out there, I will somehow have to face the fact I need to change...now.

My Cause

You know how most people have a cause? Like something they are totally into and fighting for...or at least a soft spot for some charity or another. I've been thinking about what mine is lately and I'm not sure how to go about "fighting" for it. I'm working on it though. It bothers me that there aren't more ways to get involved, raise awareness or just plain help this cause. There are several walks and fund raisers for various diseases, blood drives and donation boxes for one thing or another all over town, but this year was the first year my city had a walk against child abuse. Why isn't it more important? Not that the charities I just mentioned deserve anything less but I'm concerned that it's taken this long for us to even have a gathering for this cause. My husband says it's because it's "ugly". He says it's easier to fight for something like cancer because it's easier to talk about. Again, I mean no disrespect to the fight against cancer but I think he might be onto something. It's more acceptable to fight against a nasty rouge cell...we can hate cancer..we can try to develop drugs to destroy the vile consumer...we have things we can devote our energy to and it's a noble act to carry each other through the battle. But watch a neighbor kick their kid across the front yard, and most of us would shake our heads and just close our doors. Child abuse is ugly, but if we don't stare it in it's ugly face things will never change. I know the answer to child abuse isn't an easy one. I know that protecting children from the adults who harm them isn't an easy thing to do. I know that the foster care system isn't without flaws, but we have to start somewhere. If you see something say something. No matter how difficult, you may be the only voice that child has. I don't know if people fully understand what abuse can do to a child. When someone abuses a child they murder who that child was. Think about that. They alter the spirit of that child and change who they would have become. They take something no one has the right to take. I read stories of abuse in the news and my heart breaks for those children and then reading  the "punishments" the perpetrators receive seems like a sick joke. Why aren't we outraged about this? Someone can steal a car and receive a longer sentence then someone who harms a child. Why? And then someone who repeatedly harms children is given second, third, fourth chances to do it again. Why? Why doesn't it keep us up at night? Someone can abuse children and still get to keep their own ? Makes sense right? I think it's because we don't see it everyday. We don't have commercials of children with black eyes and broken bones.... people would be outraged...just as outraged as they are when they see that commercial of the emaciated puppy left in an abandoned house. I'm not promoting commercials depicting battered children but the point I'm trying to make is just because you don't see it, just because it's not staring you in the face, just because it hasn't affected your everyday life does not mean it's not happening. We don't want to look at this..but we need to.  Where is the outrage for these innocent children? The fight against child abuse needs to be just as  talked about as any other cause. Each adult has an obligation to the children they come in contact with. Every single child deserves the chance to grow up without being harmed. That's it. There is no debate needed. And for those who harm children, well, for starters we need to actually have consequences that strike fear in people. It's going to take people caring enough to do something..to start making the changes. It's taken me 37 years to become fully aware but I believe God has put this on my heart for a reason. So many things need to change, but I can't think of anything more worth the fight. ~ Mathew 18:10 See to it that you do not despise one of these little ones, because I tell you, their angels in heaven always have access to my Father in heaven.~